Dear Aggie: Cheese Head

DEAR AGGIE: I’m lactose intolerant but live in Wisconsin and our dairy is just too good. What should I do? - CHEESE HEAD

DEAR CHEESE HEAD: It's quite rude of you to be so intolerant of dairy when you're living in dairy's natural habitat. Perhaps you should learn about dairy's cultural practices so you can get past your prejudices and learn some tolerance. [EDITOR'S NOTE: I explained to Agnes what lactose intolerance is at this point].

However, after further research I have discovered that what you actually mean is that when you eat the dairy your stomach rumbles like mine which often results in some serious gas. It still seems rude to me to eat dairy captured from its natural habitat. However, if your concern is the farts I recommend you get over it, eat dairy, and fart with reckless abandon on the couch of your choosing.

More questions for Agnes, the rescue beaver at The Pipsqueakery in Bloomington, Indiana? Contact her here!